My “Actual” OKC Profile
Yes, we’re back to online dating again. It’s still a jungle out there. I had a guy last week argue with me when I told him I wasn’t interested, ask for my number, and then tell me not to harass him if he gave me his. What? Needless to say, I never called.
Fast forward a week. I’m in the throes of horrible, horrible SAD. For those of you who don’t have it and don’t know anyone that does, that’s Seasonal Affective Disorder. It’s been slowly tightening the noose since October.
Did any of you regulars notice that I didn’t do a Halloween post this year? I think I’ve done a ghost story/weirdo post every year since I started this blog. Not this year. By the time Halloween rolled around, I was full-on SAD. I struggle with it every year, but it usually doesn’t kick in until after the holidays are all over and we get into the deep freeze that is often the January-March run. But this year? Man, I was unhappy at the thought of fall. I didn’t even decorate for Halloween because I was too sad at the prospect of what was coming after.
Now it’s dark until 7:30 a.m., it’s witch tit cold outside, it’s dark when I get off of work, and the kids are going stir crazy because they can’t go out and run around. I’m finding it nearly impossible to get out of bed and get my shit done, which just makes me more depressed. I’m tired constantly even though I’m getting way more sleep than I was before. My weight has plateaued for a couple of months, and I’m over it.
And if all of that weren’t enough, I got a horrible, horrible email from my ex-husband. I mean, it was just awful. It wasn’t like he was taking a poke at me in between asking for visitation and saying something about his girlfriend. No, he wrote this just to remind me – as though I’d forgotten – what a shitty, shitty human being he is. I didn’t let it wreck everything, but it hardly brightened my week.
The whole situation has me contemplating what I should really write on my OKC profile. What would it look like if I were being 100% honest? I’ve got some ideas…
Overweight, single mom of three girls. I have a job that bores me so badly that I have been known to fall asleep sitting up with my pen in my hand, but the insurance and other benefits are so good that I’ll probably never be able to afford to quit. I’ve applied for three different promotions and been denied for all of them, even after being told in one of them that I effectively had the job. I’m not at all bitter.
My ex-husband is a literal nutcase who harasses me continually via email, but hey! At least he lives in England so that you’ll never have to see him in person!
I used to travel and have exciting adventures, but since I have really shitty taste in men, I married the wrong guy, got knocked up three fucking times, and now I live in a place that I hate, wishing every day that I could move to the city – preferably a warm one. Oh, won’t you be my sugar daddy?
What I’m Doing With My Life
Well, today I spent three hours trying to put together a toddler bed. I really suck at anything that requires screws. I didn’t do the dishes, and there’s a can of paint sitting by the back door because I still need to re-trim the girls’ rooms. There’s a bag full of clothes in my room that has been sitting in my room for a month. It’s going to the Salvation Army, and I need to throw it in the car so that I can drive around with it for a month before I remember to donate it.
When I’m not covered in children, fucking up something around the house, or crying myself to sleep in my room, I’m probably trying to make myself get out of bed at 4 a.m. and do it all again. I try to run five days a week, but if I’m lucky, it looks like 2-3. I do gymnastic strength training, but it takes all of my strength to do one push-up. If you knew what I weighed, you’d be amazed I can do one at all.
But before I do that, I sit down at the “dealing desk” and enter some demo Forex trades. Yes, I like to play around with leveraged trading for fun. Why, just a few days ago, I lost $1000 of “play” money in less than three hours! Here’s hoping I can recreate my success when I fund a real account!
I’m Really Good at…
- Writing. Specifically, I’m really good at bitching to total strangers via this obscure blog that I write.
- Making mix tapes that have an underlying theme that only I know/can see
- Yelling at my kids
- Not burning myself when I put flat iron curls in my hair
- Not making any effort to contact men I’m interested in because, at the age of 32, I’m still terrified of romantic rejection
- Scaring away most of the ones who might potentially be interested in me because if there’s one thing that’s scarier than leveraged trading, it’s using the words “anarchist” and “libertarian” in the same sentence. Tell them you’re an AnCap and you might as well get the torches and pitchforks for the villagers yourself. Kill the beast!
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I will read anything, including the phone book in hotels. (This is actually true.) I have read books that you’ve probably never heard of. Often I will read five of them at once so that I can’t remember what information came out of what book.
I don’t have time to go to the movies because I have three children that are four and under. I did light the candles, crack open a twist-top bottle of Aldi’s wine, and get drunk watching “Apocalypse Now!” by myself about two months ago. If you’re looking for a cheap date, I’m the girl for you!
I often watch “Twin Peaks” while I make dinner. There’s nothing like watching a high schooler be brutally murdered in a train car while you stuff manicotti and your kids watch “The Little Mermaid” in the next room.
I don’t know what you listen to, but I can almost guarantee without looking that I have way better taste than you and more indie cred than the denizens of a Portland craft beer bar. Never heard of Merzbow? What? You aren’t into grating, sometimes-disturbing Japanese noise “music?” Piss off, plebe. I use it to concentrate while I muddle through APH reviews at work. (Also sadly true.)
As far as food goes, I’m a total health nut. I never eat fruits and vegetables that aren’t organic, and all of the meat in my fridge is grass-fed and free range… Just kidding! I’m sitting in bed eating animal crackers dipped in icing! (Again, true.) I drink 2-3 liters of coffee, tea, and diet soda every day because ephedrine and cocaine aren’t legal, and I’m contemplating getting an Adderall prescription so that I’ll get the house clean faster and stop eating ice cream in bed.
Six Things I Could Never Do Without
- Vacation days, so that my babysitter can fake sick at her leisure and rob me of the ability to ever get out of this Godforsaken town ever again.
- Family drama. Because nothing makes me happier than having to deal with other people’s bullshit on top of my own.
- TV to keep the kids occupied while I cook dinner, clean the house, read, fuck around on the Internet, do laundry, paint the trim, fold and put away the laundry, sweep and Swiffer the floor, scrub the toilets, and run their bath.
- Coworkers who talk non-stop about vacations that they’re taking that I neither have the time off nor the money for. Oh, and they had to get a babysitter once a week, and it’s fucking tragic that they have to spend $55 for that one day a week. I’m so sad for them. God. Let’s get a collection plate going.
- Overpriced makeup to hide the fact that I’m 32 with wrinkles and acne, and a good stylist, to hide the fact that I’m 40% gray at 32.
I Spend a Lot of Time Thinking About…
Having sex with Tim Ferriss.
How morally and intellectually superior I am for being an anarcho-capitalist.
Spending a week in tropical paradise with a stack of books and several bottles of hard liquor.
The bond bubble and the impending doom of modern civilization as it was foretold to me by my lord and savior, Dr. Ron Paul.
Why I get so many damn cracks in my fingers in the winter.
The appropriate age to start getting Botox.
Whether or not Tim Ferriss would actually let me touch any part of him, let alone his hard penis. Going with, “God, what? Who the hell are you? Stop that! Jesus! I’m calling the cops! And why is my dick hard?! You look like Quasimodo!”
You Should Message Me If…
If you like overweight single mothers that don’t sleep enough, hate cooking, aren’t girly, and don’t know how to use a drill properly, get in line. Rich, handsome guys looking to raise kids that aren’t their own are welcome!