Give Thanks

My post will have to be a quick one.  Having a new baby in the house means that I am simultaneously sleep deprived, cranky, insane, and have almost zero time to do anything for myself.  Just keeping up with the bottle sterilizing and washing is enough, frankly.  Cooking is generally out of the question, and I haven’t showered in probably five days.  If you think I’m joking, come over here and smell me.  I smell like desperation and baby formula with a hint of schizophrenia.  Let it never be said that newborns are easy to live with, because the fool who says that obviously never had to live with one.

Today is officially Brett’s third week of life.  She has grown a ton already, but she still hasn’t figured out how to go to sleep without a fight or how to sleep longer than four hours.  Four hours would be a good night, in case you were curious.  My life has been totally topsy-turvy since she came home.  Some days are better than others.  Yesterday was mostly good.  I even had time to watch Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers while I was getting some things done in between naps and caring for the baby.  If you think that isn’t an accomplishment, kiss my backside.  I’ve had no time for entertainment lately!  Today hasn’t been as good, with her “witching hour” sadly occurring in late afternoon and early evening, and we had a devil of time getting her down for that nap.  Every day is a surprise, and trying to schedule anything is like herding cats.  Trying to have a normal Thanksgiving dinner?  Well, that would be an uphill climb in Korea under normal circumstances, but this year it just ain’t happening.

I have longed for my family and the USA more in the past three weeks than I have in years.  People who complain about having relatives at their house after their baby arrives need to shut up.  Relatives can be helpful, or at the very least, they can provide adult conversation.  Not having anyone here has been a real trial for me, and one that I was not expecting.  I’ve always been very independent, maintaining a general attitude that I can do everything by myself.  Well, this has been one lesson learned more or less the hard way.  My husband and I are pretty much alone here, and he’s at work all day, so it’s just the baby and me.  She’s not a sparkling conversationalist yet, and I find myself some days having minor breakdowns in between feedings, partly due to lack of sleep, partly due to feelings of failure, and partly because I’m incredibly lonely and would like help.

My family and friends at home have been wonderful to offer advice and help as best they can from afar.  There have been packages with supplies, some sent at considerable expense.  Although our family has not been able to be here for us, on this Thanksgiving Day, I’m terribly grateful that they have shown that they care in other ways.  It’s nice to know that folks at home are thinking about you and willing to take time out of their day to offer condolence, advice, and “conversation,” even if it’s via Facebook.  Little things mean a lot, and I’ve suddenly realized the value of being close to your kin in a way that I never have before.

I’m also thankful for my husband’s loving patience.  I have, frankly, been a crazy woman for a long time now.  That poor man has dealt with mood swings, pregnancy cravings, a stressful birth situation, and now my daily breakdowns.  Sometimes I just go in our bedroom and sob.  Sometimes I call him at work crying with the baby screaming in the background.  Through it all, he brings dinner and maintains a sunny demeanor.  I have no idea how he manages.  I apologize on the regular for being crazy, but I know that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.  Here’s hoping I can make it up with some really banging Christmas loot this year or some random acts of kindness, once our lives settle down a bit more.

The other thing that I’m awfully grateful for is the health of our daughter.  The whole birth thing was kind of scary.  I developed preeclampsia at the eleventh hour and had to be on oxygen and monitored pretty much 24/7.  I was induced about two weeks ahead of schedule, and Brett had to go to the NICU when she didn’t eat well and barfed shortly after delivery.  They thought she might have an infection from my prematurely ruptured sac, but it turns out that she has reflux.  That’s been a whole other joy unto itself that we’re finally getting under control.  But I digress.  The point is that preeclampsia can be extremely dangerous to both mother and baby.  It can suffocate the baby, cause organ damage in the mother… It’s scary stuff.  On top of that, the baby came out with the cord around her neck four times.  She was as blue as a Smurf on delivery… But she started breathing right away, and she has never had a problem on that front.

We’re very fortunate that there were no serious problems.  In some ways, I feel like we’re quite lucky that we have a daughter at all.  We had great care at Paik Hospital in Busan, and I’m extremely grateful for it.  I’m not sure that we would have gotten such good care in the US; it may not have been affordable or even accessible to us.  The UK may have been a slightly similar situation.

No, things have not been easy around here lately, but I think today would be a prime time to remind myself that, although things are hard right now with the new baby, they could be a lot worse.  We have each other and are very lucky for that.  We have our health, our families, work, and a safe apartment to call home for now.  If only everyone could say the same.

In any case, I wish all of you a joyful and fun-filled holiday.  Thanksgiving is my favorite family holiday, as it has all the eating and none of the gift-buying pressure of Christmas.  I hope everyone finds themselves surrounded by family, friends, food, and festivities.  Count your blessings, and even if you’re as stressed out as Mama Marge, take a moment see all the things that are good and positive in your life.  Sometimes it helps us to put things in perspective.  Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!