Trends I Hate/Fail to Understand

I love fashion.  Most days, I don’t really dress to the nines, as it were, primarily because I have nowhere to go and don’t care about wearing a suit to teach.  I have a tendency to get board marker and red pen all over me as the day wears on.  I’d feel pretty torn up if I was wearing a pair of 7 for All Mankind jeans and the marker cap came off in my pocket (again).  In spite of all that, I try to follow fashion.  I used to have a stack of Vogue magazines in my old apartment that was a mile high.  Sometimes I bought In Style, too, although Vogue was my fashion Bible.

I don’t read American Vogue over here in Korea, although you can pretty much bet that I’ll start again when I get home.  Even though I love fashion, there are a few trends that have eluded my understanding.  I went to Shinsegae today, the biggest department store in the world, and I got a nice preview of the spring collections.  Coral is going to be huge this year, in case you were wondering.  Also turquoise, yellow, royal purple, and pink, I predict.  Still, I was underwhelmed by some of what I saw.

I feel as though fashion has been extremely hit-or-miss for the past several years.  There have been some trends that have been fun and interesting, while others… Well, I could do without them.  Without further ado, here is a run-down of trends, past and present, that have completely gone over my head.

1. Tranny shoes (a.k.a. platform stilettos)

Platform stilettos are everywhere now.  I saw them called “tranny shoes” on The Rachel Zoe Project, and I’ve been calling them that ever since.  They really do remind me of drag queens in dresses that look like they came off a clothes rack in a Vegas casino or off of a shop in Atlantic City.  I don’t really “get” platform stilettos, and I think they’ve been majorly overused and abused for the past few years.

I still prefer a stiletto that sits right on the floor. I distrust shoes that I can tip off of.

It’s not that I think that they’re entirely incapable of ever appearing stylish and cool, because they can be cool.  But they have to be done right.  If they aren’t done properly, you’ll look like a Kardashian after a visit to the plastic surgeon and The Cheesecake Factory.  Personally, I think they look best with a pair of skinny jeans that cover the tops of them.  Paired with a sensible shirt and a nice blazer and a rockin’ bag, they look pretty decent.  Pair them with a tulip dress, and I feel like they have the effect of calling attention to all the wrong areas, especially if you aren’t stick skinny.

Besides that, they’re insanely uncomfortable, at least for me.  I can handle stilettos, but I have to break them in, and I can’t walk for miles in them.  I love my heels, though, and I will wear them long past the point of being in mild discomfort.  I bought a pair of silver BCBG platform stilettos right when they came out, and while they are adorable, they are the most God-awful uncomfortable shoes I’ve ever owned.

Bottom line: I’ll be glad when this trend takes its leave, and I can go back to regular old strappy sandals and pumps whose soles sit nicely on the floor.

2. Jumpsuits

 Jumpsuits look good on no one.  I don’t care if you’re a size 2 or a size 20 – you will look fatter in a jumpsuit.  Even the models in the catalogs look ridiculous.  Folks think that cinching your waist in with a belt will help, but let me tell you, it takes more than the cinching of a belt to hold in the gut of someone who weighs more than 200 pounds.  Unless you’re just rail-thin – think size 4 and under – you simply must give this trend a miss.  Who wants to schlub around looking like a garbage collector or a motorcycle mechanic, anyway?

3. Peasant blouses

This is another trend that I feel looks good on almost no one.  Even skinny girls have the potential to look pregnant in a big peasant blouse.  Besides that, it makes you look like a gypsy, and gypsies are no laughing matter.

4. Draped tops

You know the tops I’m talking about: they push your boobs up and then drape over your torso in an A-line.  Again, they make pretty much everyone look pregnant.  Not a winning look for the larger lady in your life.  I remember seeing pictures of my family members wearing these back in the 70s and saying to myself, What the hell were they thinking?  Were they all pregnant?  I was horrified to discover that none of them were pregnant.  I don’t care what anyone says about pregnant women being beautiful and glowing.  That’s a load of crap.  Pregnancy makes you look like a bloated toad.  Why would you want to wear a shirt that artificially creates the appearance of weight gain?  Stoooopid.  

5. Nude-colored ball gowns

I’ve been seeing a lot of this on the red carpet this season.  Some people can pull off neutral colors, but I maintain that most everyone looks good in a nice jewel tone.   Girls with light or red hair typically don’t look good in washed-out colors, but there they are, prancing down the red carpets like ice queens.  Do these Hollyweirdos not have stylists anymore?

6. Ombre hair

Kate Beckinsale sporting ombre hair. And a neutral gown. Double fail.

For those who don’t know what this is, ombre hair is generally somewhat dark about halfway down, and then colored a lighter shade the rest of the way.  This look is generally accomplished by highlights and/or hair extensions.  Kate Beckinsale wore this look to the premier of the new Underworld movie.  Frankly, I think it’s ridiculous-looking.  I have seen plenty of people too lazy to color over a growing-out dye job.  Those people usually come from trailer parks.  When did imitating the trailer park trash become a popular activity for those who frequent the red carpets?  Ugh.

7. Hair extensions

I feel like this trend really got its kick-start back around 2004 when Paris Hilton first started getting popular.  Maybe they were big before that, but it was around that time that I started noticing it, anyway.  At first, I thought they looked great.  What’s not to love?  Your hair can go from short to waist-length overnight and back again.  But after some time, I realized: they look freaking trashy!  If they aren’t properly maintained (case in point: Britney Spears), they look horrible.  And actually, it looks pretty cheap to have insanely long hair, especially once you get past a certain age.  Think Real Housewives of Anywhere, USA.

8. Distressed jeans

They look great.  That’s not the part with which I take issue.  My main problem is that it is beyond ridiculous to pay for someone else to put holes in your jeans for you.  I make enough holes in my britches without other people getting in on the action.  I’ve fallen down and ripped my jeans, ripped them on fences (don’t ask), gained too much weight and split a seam, had pockets get old and worn out… The list goes on and on.  It just seems dumb to pay $110 for a pair of jeans that will only fall apart that much faster.  Give me a hardened indigo wash any day of the week.  They last longer, even if they do turn your legs blue for a few washes.

9. Popped collars

Popped collars were big when I was in university.  I feel like they hit their big moment when I was in Germany, but it survived well after that.  Do frat boys still pop their collars?  They probably do.  Popping your collar is like having “DOUCHEBAG” tattooed onto your forehead in block letters.  It looks stupid and obnoxious, especially when paired with a brand-name baseball cap.  Stupid, stupid, stupid.  I hate it just as much when girls do it.  When girls do it, though, it says something to me more like, “I’m a bobo preppie who shops at J. Crew at still wears ribbon belts.”  Bobos, by the way, are bohemian bourgeoisie – people who drive a Prius, wear far too much North Face gear, and pretend to love socialism and Democrats but would never give up their wasteful lifestyle.  (See: asinine hypocrite)

10. Maxi dresses

Don't kid yourself. This is what you look like in a maxi dress.

There is only one time that maxi dresses are appropriate, and that’s relaxing on the beach.  They all look like beach cover-ups.  And that’s fine.  Wear them to the beach, by all means.  Don’t wear them to a dinner party and expect anyone with any taste to think that you look good.  Because you won’t.  The thing that frustrates me the most is that maxi dresses seem to be one of the three dress style choices for girls who wear a size 14 or up.  Maxi dresses seem to be the go-to rag for fat chicks, and I can’t stand them.  I think they just make you look like you’re wearing a tent.  You might as well just call it what it is: a slightly modernized muumuu.

11. Harem pants

I first saw harem pants over here in Korea.  My old coworker, Emily, wore them constantly.  Emily is Korean and weighs probably 105 pounds, maximum.  She was all bones and legs.  Gorgeous, of course, but even she didn’t look good in harem pants.  Hers were gray, and that made everything even worse.

Harem pants are not slimming.  They make you look like you just dropped a load in your pants, they shorten your legs, and they frankly look ridiculous.  They are unflattering to even the tiniest of frames.  Unless you’re dressing up as Jeannie from I Dream of Jeannie for Halloween, give these horror show pants a miss.  You won’t regret it.

12. Butt pants 

I call them butt pants.  We’ve all seen them: sweatpants with writing across the arse that are obviously meant to call attention to that very area.  They might as well be emblazoned with “Up for it!”  I especially hate to see this trend on really young little girls.  Isn’t it just asking for perverts to skeeve on your daughter?  Gross and wrong.  And sorry college girls, but it just looks cheap.  Especially when the butt pants in question are those demi-sweatpants paired with Uggs.  So wrong.

13. Any kind of low-rise pant

I’m glad that the low-rise pant trend is mostly over.  When I was in middle school, pants hanging down below guys’ butts was the the thing, then it was low-rise flares for girls.  Both of them showed a lot of unnecessary butt-crack.

14. Skinny jeans on guys

No. Just no.

Unless you’re an underfed, coked-up hipster… Actually, no, this look is a loser for them, too.  Skinny jeans on guys are just not flattering.  They’re not.  They aren’t flattering on some women, either, but for most girls, worn with the right top and a nice pair of shoes, they can look very cool.  But not for guys.  No, not even for gay guys.  They’re like long-length nut-huggers on guys, and that is not a winning look.

15. Shiny suits

Shiny suits are popular in Korea, especially for young, twenty-something guys.  They’re often paired with pastel, rhinestone-studded neckties.  They look crazy and cheap.  I don’t just hate them, but I don’t understand them, and after you’ve reached 30, they’re no longer acceptable work attire, unless you work at Vogue or something.

There are probably a bunch more things that I’m not thinking of, but these are my personal least favorite trends.  I’ve probably been watching too much Sex and the City and Ugly Betty, but I can’t help it: I love fashion.